Bleeding Hearts and Open Wounds - a ghost hunt fanfic
by caitybug13
Summary: Mai has come to accept her life as it is. Three years after Naru left, she is alone and struggling... but she doesn't want help. Just before her graduation (and just before her breaking point) the gang shows up again - with her least favorite person in the world, Naru. Can she cope with the hurt? And will the gang pick up on her change and give her some much needed help?
1. Chapter 1

A/N New Ghost Hunt Fanfic! This one will deal with some serious (possibly triggering) issues, so read at your own risk. Also, sorry for the really short chapter. I will probably upload shorter chapters for this one, that way I can upload more often. Hope that is okay!

Love you all, my dear readers :)

Chapter One:

It has been three years, and so many things have changed. There is no going back, I know that, I do. But… his eyes caught my attention again and all I wanted was to run back to him… to them all. They would take me back, wouldn't they?

I crouched in the hallway, breaths coming out in sudden gasps. I was having another attack and I needed to calm down before someone found me like this.

The panic attacks didn't start after Naru left. No, Naru was only the beginning of a series of events that led to my downfall. After Naru went back to England (taking Lin and Madoka with him), Shibuya Psychic Research was closed down. I no longer had an excuse to hang around the group anymore, and I no longer had a job.

No job meant no apartment, and I certainly couldn't ask for help from anyone. I couldn't be more of a hassle to them, even if they would have taken me in, I knew they wouldn't like it. Who wants to support a stupid little teenage girl?

I lost everything in those three years.

Sure, I still saw Monk and John and Ayako on occasion, but no one asked any hard questions, and I never told them. They found out, eventually, that I was living with foster parents, but they never questioned it. I didn't share any details.

Our relationship shifted and we began to see each other more out of obligation than anything.

Until, just in the last year, after leaving my foster parent's home, I stopped answering their calls. There really was no point, was there?

I'd never expected to see any of them again, but, here they were, at my school as if the past three years hadn't happened. And they had brought someone with them, the one person I had decided I never wanted to see again, the person who started this all.

Hence the panic attack in the hall.

I wasn't quite sure what to do. Naru had seen me, we had made eye contact. Naru had seen me run away.

I put my head between my knees and took deep breaths. Why now? Why were they here _now?_ My graduation was only a week away. I'd almost gotten through, fought on my own and gotten the diploma I never thought I'd achieve.

It's not that I'm stupid. I can keep up with my classes when I put in the effort. But I'd had to quit school for a short time when I lost my job, which set me behind. And catching up was hard to do due to certain circumstances… and now the nightmares kept me up and my brain just foggy enough to inhibit me.

But I had done it… I was graduating next Saturday and I had done it all on my own.

"Mai Tamayama, please report to the office. Mai Tamayama, please report to the office." A woman's voice echoed above me and I flinched. So, Naru had decided not to properly look for me, but to have the school secretary call me over the intercom.

I growled. My panic attack was subsiding slightly with my anger, but I still wasn't ready to jump up and meet the gang.

 _They can't see me like this_ , I thought, looking down at myself. _If anyone notices, it will be them._

And I couldn't have anyone knowing the truth. Especially not SPR.

But, I couldn't just disappear, like I had in the past. That would be cowardly and terrible of me. I had to face them… and pretend. I needed to lie long enough for them to leave me alone and never come back. I could do that, right? I was good at lying. I had been doing it now for nearly three years, and the team had never noticed in the past. They hadn't seen anything, even when it was blaringly obvious what was happening to me, they had been oblivious. They should be easy to deceive.

But, it wasn't them who worried me. Naru was observant and, although he wasn't good with human interaction and emotion, he would notice if something was off about me. He wouldn't be oblivious to my secrets, and he was stubborn enough to dig just to sooth his curiosity. I needed to be a really good liar to get past him.

But, I knew now that Naru didn't actually care about me, so what did it matter? Why would he care, even if he found out the truth?

I could do this. I would lie and pretend to be fine until they left me again, and then I could go back to my life.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves.

"Get up Mai," I goaded myself. "You're not a coward, so get up! You can do this."

So, I stood on my own two feet and walked. I walked to what I knew could be my doom or my salvation, both of which I did not want, and both of which I would do anything to prevent.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Sorry for it's terribleness... I haven't even read through this yet.

Let me know what you think! And if you have any suggestions or anything for the story, let me know :)

Chapter two:

Outside of the office door I pulled nervously at the ends of my sleeves, covering my palms until all you could see were my bare fingertips. I took a breath. I could do this. Just stand straight, look up, and fake a…

My thoughts were interrupted by an opening door and a pair of blue eyes.

…smile. Just fake a smile.

I twisted my lips upward in an attempt at smiling. Not only was it too late but I could tell as soon as the expression graced my lips that I'd done something wrong. Okay, so maybe faking wasn't as easy as I thought. So, the only thing I could do was try again.

Forcing myself to smile a little brighter I looked up at Naru, caught his eye, and looked away. It wasn't weird of me to look away so quickly, right? "H-hey um… Naru." I peeked around him and through the office door. "Hi everyone."

"Mai!" I caught Naru's surprised look as he was shoved out of my line of sight, only to be replaced by Monk, with an angry Ayako beside him. Monk grabbed me by the shoulders, squeezing me tight in a hug. I winced, rubbing my arm and fighting the urge to back away. This was just Monk, I reminded myself.

Monk only let go when Ayako bonked him on the head with his purse. "Out of my way old man!"

"No wa-" He was pushed aside, leaving me with a moment of release from his strong, and loving, embrace. Ayako stood, hands on her hips, looking down at me. I gave her a small smile (the smiles were coming easier now).

Her eyes narrowed. "You stupid girl, what do you think you were doing, disappearing on us like that? I thought…" she trailed off, looking away for a moment before her eyes settled back on me. "Come here." The next thing I knew I was buried in yet another pair of arms. "I could kill you right now," Ayako mumbled into my hair.

My cheeks were burning. I felt ashamed of myself for having ever left them, even though I still thought my reasons were valid, and even though I planned to get them all out of my life again as soon as possible. Maybe I was just a coward, but I justified my actions by telling myself it was for their own good, as well as mine.

If they ever found out the truth, it would kill them. They would blame themselves. While, oftentimes I did find myself angry at them for certain things, they didn't deserve all of the guilt that came with the knowledge of my secret. The only exception was Naru, but he was the one who cut himself out of my life, not the other way around. And, why should I want him in my life anyways? Why would I want a man who breaks a girl's heart and then leaves her there to take care of herself?

Cold blooded narcissist.

Yet, when Ayako let go of me and I glanced over to meet that narcissist's eyes, my heart pounded louder in my ears.

I clenched my teeth. There was no way I was falling in that trap again. Not in a million years. Not if he claimed he changed, or found the light, or if he got down on his knees and begged. That narcissist deserved to burn in hell.

As soon as I thought those words I felt guilty. And then I felt angry. Why couldn't I just feel angry for once, without having to feel guilt on top of it? He deserved my anger, of that I was sure.

I turned away from those piercing blue eyes and faced the rest of the group. "So… um… what are you all doing here?"

"Naru wanted to get the group back together," Monk answered, "But we couldn't get ahold of you, so…"

"So," Yasu continued, "lover boy here had to go find you himself." He winked at me and I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed or angry at Yasu's antics.

As usual, Naru didn't react. So I decided to follow his cue and left a black expression on my face, ignoring the comment.

"Why?" I asked, a bad feeling settling in my stomach.

"What do you mean, Mai?" John asked.

"Yeah, Mai," Monk's smile was bright enough to burn my eyes. "We can be like we were before – a family."

No, I thought, no we couldn't. There was no going back.

Instead I said, "Guys, I've got a life now. I can't just drop everything to go hunt ghosts with you all." I turned promptly on my heel. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

As I was walking out of the door I was stopped by a voice.

"You've changed Mai," Naru said, "The old Mai wouldn't have backed out so easily. She wasn't a coward."

He knew me well, well enough that those words would have indeed stopped me in the past. But, like he had said, I had changed. This was the kind of person I was now.

I was the kind of person who could walk away and never look back.

And that was exactly what I did.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N sorry guys. nothing really happens in this chapter, so it's pretty boring. but things should pick up soon.

by the way, this story might get pretty depressing and might become triggering to some people, so be warned.

Chapter 3

I felt guilty.

Sitting at my table that night, staring into a cup of Earl Grey, the guilt hit me hard. The tea had gotten cold, but I didn't really mind. Its purpose hadn't been to drink as much as it had been an excuse to stare forlornly at something and think about how much of a terrible person I was.

I was a horrid heartless girl.

And that cup of Earl Grey tea? It was only making me feel worse because, every time I looked down into that cup I found a pair of icy blue eyes staring back at me.

Naru… why did he come back? Why did he come back for _me_? He could have just as easily come back to Japan and restarted JSPR without me. It would have been so much better that way. But, no. Ever since the beginning Naru had only ever been a problem in my life - a thorn in my side.

And I'm sure that's all I ever was to him.

With a sigh I stood and padded silently to my kitchen sink. I hadn't drank any of that tea, only stared at it. I knew I was being wasteful, but I poured it out and watched the tea swirl down the drain. Setting the cup in the strainer, I turned and stared at my empty kitchen. My eyes searched, as if looking for something. I wasn't really sure what I was looking for, but there was nothing to find. Everything was in its rightful place, just like normal.

I'd turned into a tidy person lately. Not that I had very much stuff to be out of place in the first place.

So, wandering around my apartment, feeling slightly lost and unsure of myself, I found everything to be exactly where it was supposed to be.

Finally, I collapsed onto my worn couch and sat back. Something felt like it was missing, and I knew where the feeling was coming from. I'd finally taught myself to numb myself against this terrible empty feeling, and now it was trickling back into my heart.

I was alone.

But whose fault was that? It wasn't the team's, or my foster parent's, or even Naru's. That was all on my shoulders.

This empty apartment was all I'd ever have. This lonely feeling would always plague my heart.

And I didn't understand. I didn't know why it was that I was so weak that I'd rather be in this state than to ever trust again. Why was I such a coward?

I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face in my legs.

This felt like a fork in the road of my life, but I didn't know which way to go. In my mind, both of my options ultimately led to failure. It wasn't a matter of success versus failure. It was a matter of how I would be crushed and how long it would take.

 _You could make it quick,_ something deep inside of me said. I squeezed my knees even tighter to my body. I knew I had the power to do it, but I had promised myself. Never again. I could fight, and I would survive.

But, I wondered, what was the point of fighting when all I had was this: an empty apartment and a lonely heart? What was the point of surviving if there wasn't anything better?

And that was the real choice here. I could choose to fight, to try to bring happiness back. Or I could choose to lie down and give in – whether that be by death or by pointlessly surviving in a grey world. Was I someone who could just give in?

I wanted to be. I wanted to stop fighting. I wanted to pretend I was oblivious to my own loneliness. It was easier that way. But I wasn't that person. I had told myself I was a fighter. _All of this time,_ I squeezed my bare arms, _all of these scars; they were supposed to be proof that I was a fighter._

There was a deep fear that tugged at my insides, but it came with clarity. Maybe this would end badly, but I wouldn't go down without a fight.

And that was my answer.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Sorry guys that the update took so long this time :/ I have no excuse... but the chapter is a bit longer :)

I feel awful writing this fanfiction for some reason. Like, I am tearing Mai apart and its killing me :( But, I am continuing it despite how much it makes me hate myself.

Chapter 4

The problem with moments of clarity is that they only last a moment. By the next morning, I was struggling again. After all, just because I'd decided not to give up on myself didn't mean I had to get involved with SPR again. Actually, it would almost be better to still avoid them.

They were twisted up too much with a past I wanted to escape. I could never make myself forget and learn to be normal again if I were reminded every day by the faces of my old friends.

So, by the next morning I had decided that I would not be going back to SPR.

I tried to pretend that I hadn't spent the night waiting, hoping, that one of them would come for me. That I hadn't spent the night on the couch, just in case my unrealistic dreams might unfold and Naru might come knocking on my door.

But my puffy eyes and my disappointment were proof of my stupidity and my weakness. I'd allowed myself to break down last night, to hope for someone to save me, when I knew that such things didn't happen in real life. Naru would never come for me. He would never hold me. He would never save me.

I couldn't be saved, especially not by him.

It was better this way though. Because I got up on my own and I took care of myself. I reminded myself that I could save me, that I didn't need help.

After a quick cup of tea that I hoped would help wake me up, I slid into my uniform, put a jacket over that, and swiped some concealer under my red rimmed eyes. Slinging my backpack over my shoulder I left my apartment and headed for school.

About two thirds of the way there I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder. My heart jumped. Was it _him_?

"Hey Mai!" I was spun around only to face the white teethed smile of Akemi, one of my fellow classmates. Behind her was her friend, Kiyoshi. "Where were you yesterday?"

I pulled my lips up into a smile. "I wasn't feeling well so I went straight home." It wasn't really a lie.

"Well, you aren't skipping out on us tonight, are you?"

I shook my head. "You know I have to work."

Akemi frowned and began to pull me along as Kiyoshi came up to walk beside us. The three of us continued at a quick pace towards the school. As soon as we reached the building Akemi waved and started in the opposite direction as Kiyoshi and I. Ignoring the usual emptiness that ached in my chest, I smiled and waved in return.

As Kiyoshi and I continued down the hall towards our shared class, he spoke. "Are you really okay, Mai?"

"I'm fine. Just… stressed lately is all."

He sighed. "You know, if you ever needed to talk, Akemi and I, we would be there for you."

We passed a moment in silence. My mind went back to last night, and the resolution I had made. I wanted to learn to be myself again. I used to talk to people, trust people. If I was really serious about my resolution then maybe I needed to start doing that again.

I wanted to talk to Kiyoshi. A part of me knew that if anyone would listen to me, it would be him.

I'd never really considered anyone at school my friends. Not for three years. But Akemi and Kiyoshi had always sort of been there, despite my lack of trust in them. I never talked to them about anything, but they were always inviting me to this and asking me to come to that. They asked me how I was and worried about me when I was sick.

And Kiyoshi. He was gentle with me, never pushing me, but always telling me that he was there. It was almost as if he understood certain things about me even without my ever having to utter them out loud.

It made sense that he would. Akemi, Kiyoshi, and I all had one thing in common. We were orphans.

Maybe that was what prompted them to stay by my side while I hid myself from them. They, on a certain level, kind of understood where I was coming from. But, of course, they didn't know the details. And they didn't know just how broken I had become.

But, maybe if I could talk to anyone, it was Kiyoshi.

I glanced up at him as we walked. He had a sad, thoughtful look on his face.

"Yamada san…"

He looked down at me. "Kiyoshi." He corrected, "Why can't you ever call me by my first name? I told you it's all right."

I took a breath. "Kiyoshi, do you ever… blame yourself. For being alone?"

Kiyoshi looked down at me, his frown deepening. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, for not having a family. Do you ever blame yourself for being alone? Even though you know that that is maybe just the way it's supposed to be, and that there was maybe nothing you could do about it."

"But, I don't think I'm alone. I have a family. Maybe not by blood, but, everywhere I go, the people I love, and the people who love me, they are my family."

I stopped, even though I knew we were going to be late for class. Kiyoshi stopped too.

"But, what if your family leaves you? What if they always leave?"

I was staring down at my shoes now. I was embarrassed to be asking Kiyoshi this, to be admitting the feelings I've held inside for so long. I bit my lower lip, waiting for an answer. A minute passed, but Kiyoshi never spoke. My heart skipped. What if he had left? What if he had just walked away, decided I wasn't worth it?

Suddenly I looked up, and my breath caught. Kiyoshi hadn't left at all. He was right there, crouched down so that his eye were level with mine, staring at me. When I met his eyes, he smiled, and finally spoke.

"Mai, maybe this is just my opinion, but I don't think you understand the concept of family correctly. In my experience, family is an ever changing thing. Yes, sometimes people leave, or fade into the background, but you never completely lose your family. If you open your heart and your eyes, your family is always growing. It slowly comes to include everyone you open your heart to.

"It hurts when a member of your family leaves you, but I think it's worth it. If you keep your heart open to people, your family will grow. And it's a beautiful thing to allow your soul to touch so many others, even if they have to leave you."

I wasn't breathing. If I moved I knew I would start crying. Kiyoshi smiled at me. "Mai, I think of you as family. Akemi too. And, we both want you to be a part of your family too, if you'll let us."

It was weird. I'd only had to open up a little bit, and all of a sudden everything was changing. It felt like my heart was trying to knit itself back together, and I knew there was still so much brokenness left, but it wasn't consuming me.

I was afraid to say yes. I was afraid to let anyone in, even someone like Kiyoshi. I knew how much it would hurt if I lost him. But, I had already decided that the way I had lived life in the past three years wasn't a life worth living. Did I really have anything to lose?

I whispered, "You don't know what I-"

"It doesn't matter." He interrupted me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "You can tell us whenever you are ready." He smiled. "So, what do you say?"

There was something wet on my cheeks. When I went to wipe it away, I realized I had started crying. I scrubbed my face with my hands and then looked up at him and gave him a shaky smile. "Okay. I would like that."

Kiyoshi's smile brightened and the next thing I knew, I was in his arms.

I closed my eyes. Was this what it felt like, to be saved?


	5. Chapter 5

A/N sorry guys, it's short again.

Chapter Five:

A week passed.

No word came from SPR. Akemi, Kiyoshi, and I graduated. Still no word.

Both of my friends could tell there was something on my mind. I wasn't really sure why I was so worried about the SPR gang, and why their continued silence was stressing me out. But, no matter how much I told myself it didn't matter, I couldn't get them out of my head. Especially one particular narcissist.

My nights were spent tossing and turning, mind racing. If I wasn't fretting about my newfound connection with Akemi and Kiyoshi, I was second guessing my decision regarding SPR.

Until one night, after two weeks of nearly no rest, I found myself deep in sleep. I was back in that supernatural dreamland that used to haunt my nights in the past. This time there was no Gene. There hadn't been since Naru had left, even though my psychic abilities had gotten stronger, and I had gained more control, since that time. Which is why I was surprised to find myself in a psychic dream. I had stopped having the dreams since learning how to better control my ever growing abilities.

I awoke with a start, heart racing, sweaty body seemingly trying to reject the experience my mind had put it through. It was hard on the body when your mind was convinced it was experiencing death. When these dreams happened, I was always afraid that my heart would completely give out on me, because my body didn't understand that the deaths my mind experienced were not my own.

This time, I knew from experience that I wasn't really going to die. But it was still disorienting. To set my mind at ease, I slipped out from between my sheets and padded to the kitchen in order to make some tea. Ever since my days with SPR, I had found that tea was the best thing to calm my nerves.

As I sat in my kitchen chair waiting for the water to come to a boil, I reviewed the dream, or vision, I had just had. Experience told me that this dream had come to me for a reason. Instinct told me that it had to do with SPR. I didn't know where the feeling came from, but I knew.

I had to talk to Naru.

* * *

Walking up the path to the SPR building was one of the scariest things I had done in a long time. But I knew it had to be done. If my dreams were correct, and I knew that they were, then people's lives were in danger.

Briefly, I wondered who it would be to open the door at my arrival. Who, out of the SPR gang, would have taken my place in this respect? Surely it wouldn't be Naru. My heart skipped a beat at that thought.

But my fear was all in vain. When I finally got the nerve to knock on SPR's door, no one came to greet me, or to even unlock the door. I frowned and, after a moment's hesitation, pulled out my old SPR key. Would it still fit the lock, I wondered. Naru was prudent enough to realize I still had a key and malicious enough to change the locks to keep me out if he wanted. Still, I tried putting the key in the door, surprised when it slid right in with ease.

Slowly, and cautiously, I turned the key and the door to SPR clicked open. With a push of my hand, the door to SPR was wide open, and I was back to a place I had told myself I would never return.

I stepped inside. As I had suspected, no one was there. But, it was clear that someone had been recently. I knew from a quick glance that, despite the fact that no one was there, SPR had begun business again. That meant that the gang must be on a case. Good for them, I thought.

And then my eyes widened. Did their case have anything to do with the dream I'd had last night? Were they in that house, right now?

And then another thought came to me. How long had they been there? If I hadn't heard from them in two weeks, could that mean that they have been on this case for so long? They weren't aware of just how dangerous it was, and by now anything could have happened…

I pulled myself out of my frantic thoughts. Now wasn't the time to freak out. I needed to find them before something went horribly wrong. Because the SPR gang thought they had an angry ghost on their hands, not a sick sadistic serial killer.

I rushed to Naru's office and began riffling through the files in his desk. Surely he would have left something there that could give me a hint as to where exactly this case was. Naru wrote everything down, and I wouldn't put it past him to keep a second copy of his notes at the office.

Sure enough, it didn't take long to find an incomplete case file labeled with the date of two weeks ago, two days after Naru and the gang had come to my school. I scribbled the listed address down on my wrist and the rushed out of the door.

Once I made it to my own apartment I opened my overnight bag and began to stuff random articles of clothing within it. As I did this I grabbed my phone and pressed the first number on my speed dial. The phone rang on the other end and I cursed.

"Come on! Answer your phone."

A woman's voice came on over the phone, telling me that the person I am trying to reach isn't available. Zipping my bag with one hand and redialing with the other, I waited impatiently, glancing at my clock on the wall.

My anxiety had been building the last two weeks, and now it was coming to a head. I could feel another panic attack coming on. My lungs constricted in my chest and my head pounded. I _needed_ Kiyoshi to answer his phone. I needed to get to that mansion I had dreamt about last night.

Something told me that there wasn't much time.

I crouched down, trying to catch my breath as the phone continued to ring. Finally, after what felt like hours, the phone clicked.

"Hello?"

"Kiyoshi, I-" my voice caught in my throat. I couldn't get my lungs to fill up with enough air. "I need – I need you -" A sob broke my voice and I realized that there were tears streaming down my face. I didn't know where this emotion was coming from, but it had triggered a terrible panic attack. I felt like I was dying. I tried to speak again. "Please, I – I need… I can't-"

I gave up on words, sinking farther to the ground and leaning my back against the wall. I pulled my knees up so that I could put my head between them.

"Mai, is that you?! What's wrong? Are you okay?" Kiyoshi's deeper voice cut through my loud sobs. I took a moment to try to breathe. When I didn't answer right away he called to me again. "Mai? Mai?! What is-"

"P-panic At-ttack," I whispered and then I sighed, laying my head down on my knees and hiccupping.

There was silence on the other end of the phone. I was afraid that I had scared Kiyoshi away. I'd never told anyone about my panic attacks before, and now that someone knew I felt ashamed. Another sob caught in my throat.

"I-I'm sor-sorry."

I didn't really know what I was apologizing for, but I knew that I meant it.

"Mai, there is nothing to be sorry for. Just breathe. I'm right here and I'm on my way to your apartment." He paused. "You are at your apartment, right?"

I made some sort of noise in the back of my throat. Kiyoshi must have correctly interpreted it as an affirmative because he didn't question my whereabouts anymore.

"Just take deep breaths," he coached me. "Are you sitting down? And put your head between your knees, maybe?" I nodded my head shortly, even though I knew he couldn't see. "What do you need me to do?"

I took a deep breath. "Just keep talking. P-please."

"Okay."


End file.
